A Work in Progress

Tears, fits of rage, defiance, laughter, understanding, advice, growth...All these words sum up the relationship between Felix and me. As a seventh grader, he was a pill. He sat in 2 of my beginner classes, some days, "not in the mood" to learn or completely defiant to my authority, which in turn brought on a slew of reactions from me, then him. As time passed and I learned how to best deal with him, I realized that what he really needed was positive attention. Many times, however, the challenge was that his actions were difficult to respond positively to. I could see in Felix an innate desire to succeed, but an external fight to do what he knew had to be done, or maybe just a lack of confidence that it could be done. If you didn't know him, he seemed a perfectly happy, sociable kid, but spending so much time with him revealed to me that there was so much more underneath that wasn't at all visible in a larger social setting. Many days I talked to him, through tears and anger, trying to reason with him....trying to build him up. As the year progressed, I started to see a change in him. He began to respect me- I think he realized that he really mattered to me, that I wanted him to succeed because I knew how much he could do. By the end of the year, he had jumped so much in his English, it was amazing to see how far we had come!

The following year (last year), Felix sat in 2 of my classes as an 8th grader, and wow, the difference it was! He was so eager to learn, working so hard on his English and his reading that I became so eager to do all I could to help him. He spent countless days in my classroom, not only in the learning environment, but after school, just hanging out, chatting, enjoying life. He really opened up and expressed his desire to become a better more mature person. His struggles came out and he realized what he had to do; he just didn't always know how to do it. He rebelled in school, and other teachers complained of his defiance and disrespect, but I no longer saw it with me. Of course, I knew what they were talking about because I had seen it many times before! Through all the trials, Felix weaved a special place in my heart. I've never felt like I've put so much effort into a child, academically and unacademically at the same time.

At the end of last school year, it was hard to say goodbye. I really worry about all my kids when they go to high school, but Felix especially. Many times we talked about his stubborness, his rebellion, his poor decisions, so I just hope that as he grows, he remembers that every action has a consequence, great or small. Up to now, his bad decisions haven't yielded great consequences, so hopefully the small ones will be a reminder.

Felix was waiting outside the school building for me as I walked out to my car today. I was so delighted to see him, of course! And he informed that he really enjoys high school. He's playing soccer on the school team, and he hasn't gotten in trouble once this semester! I was so happy to hear that. He loves soccer so much that he's always told me that he wants to be a soccer player. (They all do, I know!) But I think now he realizes how important his education is and that it's not worth it to lose it.

I love it when my former students come back to see me....whether they come bearing bad news or good, it's comforting to know that they care enough to come back. It's sink or swim for these ESL kiddos sometimes, and I just try to do everything I can to help them swim...and swim well. I guess that's why God gave me the strength to swim well.

Unexpected Visit

Into my fourth year of teaching, it dawned on me, with the help of my teaching aide, that I should "journal" inspiring teaching moments. So this is the start of my blogging concerning my teaching career.

It all started this morning when I walked into the building shivering, head down, trying to block the chill and trap the heat, when suddenly I noticed someone sitting outside my locked door...an unknown yet somehow familiar face. "Don't you remember me?" quickly turned my "another Monday..." face into a beaming smile. "Manuel! Wow, how are you?!" Now you would think that after only 3 and a half years of teaching, I'd easily be able to place this child, but I couldn't place him in the correct year, not for sure, at least. After some quick and simple math skills ("I'm almost 18"), I placed him in my first year of teaching, a year I most certainly would rather forget most days--not because of the students, persay, but more because of the hellish experience of getting through it. Not an experience I'm fond of revisiting. But it's those students who make it all worthwhile, even in the toughest years where it felt like I accomplished nothing but merely survival.

So let's start with Manuel...a good-hearted, friendly and likeable kid that lacked motivation and drive. Throughout that year, I felt as though I did everything possible to get the kids involved, to make them "want to learn". (So obviously this was before the time I figured out that some kids just don't want the same thing I want for them. To me that used to be unfathomable, but now I know better.) It pained me everyday to have to face those students that didn't act like they cared. Manuel was a sweet kid, never gave me a behavior problem. Good natured, but struggled to pass due to lack of effort outside class. So today he tells me what's he's been up to the past few years...been back to Mexico for a year, out on his own at 16, involved in a gang and almost killed, etc, etc. Wow. I probably shouldn't have been shocked, because deep down inside when this adorable 14-year-old boy sat in my beginning ESL class, I feared exactly what I heard him saying to me this morning. "I'm on the right track now, Miss Marzuola...and you know why I'm here?" No, Manuel, I don't because I never felt like I ever got anything through to you. "I'm here because you're special. You're one of those special people in my life that I can never forget, and I want you to know that."

Really? I wanted to cry. So this boy who I felt didn't get anything from my 2 classes everyday four years ago, now tells me that he can never forget me...that he looked me up 2 years ago and found my number to call me, but had to go back to Mexico for a year and lost my number, has just returned from Mexico and wanted to come find me? It's those kids that remind me of why God has put me where he has, even in troubled years, even with troubled kids. I know I can't touch them all, and that's what makes it such a heartwrenching job. But what I realized today is that whether or not a student gets what I want him to academically is not what is always most important. Sometimes he just needs someone to show he/she cares, and whether they realize it at the time or not is not always important, but that they realize it someday is what matters. Thank you, Manuel, for that realization. In such a tough year as it's been for me this year, it's exactly what I needed.